welcome 2

not a new chapter. just a new page. not starting over, but just more to add. its 2021 now, I started this thing in 2019 and a lot’s changed.

#1. not feeling so christian. God doesn’t play such a big part in my life that it used to as your read the past blogs, and I’m not proud, but I don’t care enough to change my relationship with God.

#2. recognized a lot of things I struggle with a lot.

#3. 2020 was a year of sh*tty experiences ngl, the whole world came down. I truly am thankful and got lucky for not losing someone so close, and got really the best piece of the worsts in 2020.

#4. found another comfort. BTS. people may say this and that, but I find so much comfort in them, in their music, in their personalities, in their goofiness. at least someone is living their dreams

#5. it’s been a lot of confusion and being lost lately. not just what has changed, but this past week has just been a cloud. not sad cloud, or happy, or mad, or comfortable. just like something is bothering me and in my view

As I’m a junior, coming to senior year in 4 months, I feel lost not knowing what I want to do. A lot of people my age don’t know what they want to do. it’s crazy and insane asking a 16 year old to plan their whole life in front of them. I also feel no motivation. 0%. not even a little bit. I don’t find motivation to sleep, to eat, to do anything really. but I think this is just a phase. once in a while I have these depressive episodes, but it may be because of the weather. it’s winter, meaning California is cold, no sun, cloudy days. But anways, I find the classes I do useless. I don’t understand it. Not the content, but why I am sitting there doing it. I find myself so useless to be in that class, it’s not because I don’t want to do it, but I’m just doubting why I’m even there. why God placed me in these classes, in these situations, gave me a position as a student. I have like 5 assignments due in 3 hours and I’m sitting in my bathroom writing this. Seriously, no motivation. But who doesn’t understand this which is the most frustrating? My asian parents. Yes, asian. I complain about school to them, only wanting to find comfort in them, wanting a “you’re doing good though!” or a ear just to listen, but why do I get a “then fine, drop out of school then! go work at McDonalds your whole life! be homeless! go do whatever you want, we don’t speak to you then!” This makes me sad. A new level a sad. Where education and my grades are all I’m worth. Why are my grades and what I do in life, my complaints about school, my flaws in education equal to what I’m worth. Obviously, I know they are not going to throw me out on the street because I won’t get an A+ on my next test, but why is there not even a 10% of effort in trying to understand? This is my complaining sorry.

Being lost and confused is even more frustrating for me, but they act like I sit in bed all day, not thinking about my future. I usually ask every teacher I see, or every other parent what they majored in and what they did in school. Saying I don’t worry? No, I do worry. Another thing is I know I’m going to figure it out, it’s going to come and as I grow up it’s supposed to just fall in path, but I just don’t want to try. I really find myself lost because I don’t want to do anything. Is that it? I question everything, but I don’t know either. I don’t know my interests, my joys, my favorite subjects etc. So yeah, I am in a state of being lost.

I came back here because I just didn’t know what to do other than write, since I’ve been feeling so much anger towards my parents. The AP classes, the “just read the textbook”, the struggle of trying to communicate to them is going to make me ignore them for the rest of my life. Sometimes I do hate them to the point where running away doesn’t sound so bad. Being in my room with the door closed is not enough for me. Putting on AirPods and putting the volume up to max and listening to music is not enough. Talking to my friends or going out to hang out with them is not enough. I don’t know where to find my peace. (and no, I don’t want to go find it in the Bible).

It’s a different type of situation, and I just want to learn. I just want to heal. I hope this season is a season of healing and understanding. I am not going to talk about school at all at the dinner table, does nothing for the both of us anyways. Parents are just fun and interesting. I am happy, I’m back at this. Makes me feel like I’m the main character somewhere in my life. Here it is, my own writing.

with love, christine